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| we do stan tatkin: Wired for Love Stan Tatkin, 2024-06-01 Invaluable for so many partners looking to reconnect and grow closer together. —Gwyneth Paltrow, founder and CEO of goop Stan Tatkin can be entirely followed into the towering infernos of our most painful relationship challenges. —Alanis Morissette, artist, activist, and wholeness advocate The complete “insider’s guide” to understanding your partner’s brain, sparking lasting connection, and enjoying a romantic relationship built on love and trust—now with more than 170,000 copies sold. “What the heck is my partner thinking?” “Why do they always react like this?” “How can we get back that connection we had in the beginning?” If you’ve ever asked yourself these questions, you aren’t alone, and it doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed. Every person is wired for love differently—with different habits, needs, and reactions to conflict. The good news is that most people’s minds work in predictable ways and respond well to security, attachment, and routines, making it possible to neurologically prime the brain for greater love and connection and fewer conflicts. This go-to guide will show you how. Drawn from neuroscience, attachment theory, and emotion regulation, this highly anticipated second edition of Wired for Love presents cutting-edge research on how and why love lasts, and offers ten guiding principles that can improve any relationship. This fully revised and updated edition also includes new guidance on how to manage disagreements, as well as new exercises to help you create a sense of safety and security, establish healthy conflict ground rules, and deal with the threat of the third—any outside source which threatens the harmony in your relationship, including in-laws, alcohol, children, and affairs. You’ll find proven-effective strategies to help you strengthen your relationship by: Creating and maintaining a safe “couple bubble” Using morning and evening routines to stay connected Learning how to see your partner’s point of view Meeting each other halfway in a fight Becoming the expert on what makes your partner feel loved By using simple gestures and words, you’ll learn to put out emotional fires and help your partner feel appreciated and loved. You’ll also discover how to move past a “warring brain” mentality and toward a more cooperative “loving brain.” Most importantly, you’ll gain a better understanding of the complex dynamics at work behind love and trust in intimate relationships. While there’s no doubt that love is an inexact science, if you understand how you and your partner are wired differently, you can overcome your differences, and create a lasting intimate connection. |
| we do stan tatkin: Wired for Dating Stan Tatkin, 2016-01-02 In the age of online dating, finding a real connection can seem more daunting than ever! So, why not stack the odds of finding the right person in your favor? This book offers simple, proven-effective principles drawn from neuroscience and attachment theory to help you find the perfect mate. Everybody wants someone to love and spend time with, and searching for your ideal partner is a natural and healthy human tendency. Just about everyone dates at some point in their lives, yet few really understand what they're doing or how to get the best results. In Wired for Dating, psychologist and relationship expert Stan Tatkin—author of Wired for Love—offers powerful tips based in neuroscience and attachment theory to help you find a compatible mate and go on to create a fabulous relationship. Using real-life scenarios, you’ll learn key concepts about how people become attracted to potential partners, move toward or away from commitment, and the important role the brain and nervous system play in this process. Each chapter explores the scientific concepts of attachment theory, arousal regulation, and neuroscience. And with a little practice, you’ll learn to apply these exercises and practical techniques to your dating life. If you’re ready to get serious (or not!) about dating, meet your match, and have more fun, this book will be your guide. |
| we do stan tatkin: Baby Bomb Kara Hoppe, Stan Tatkin, 2021-07-01 Before you succeed at parenting, you need to succeed as a couple! Baby Bomb is the resource you need when a new baby turns your life—and your romantic relationship—upside down. A baby is a blessing—and also a completely life-altering event. If you’re like many new parents, nothing could have fully prepared you for the exhaustion of late-night feedings, the explosive diapers, the evaporation of your free time, the pure joy, and the moments of pure terror. In the midst of these hazy, early months, it’s normal to feel overwhelmed. And when you’re overwhelmed, it’s easy to put your romantic relationship on the back burner. But, more and more, research shows that in order to be the best parents you can be, you and your partner need to make sure that your needs—as a couple—are also met. Written by a psychologist and relationship expert, Baby Bomb offers powerful tools based in psychology and neurobiology to help you and your partner co-parent and co-partner as a solid and supportive team—while also cultivating mad love for each other! You’ll find more than just “tips” for better parenting and partnering; you’ll discover how a secure-functioning relationship is essential for raising happy, healthy kids. This isn’t a book with advice about how to have a romantic candlelit dinner while your baby is screaming in the other room. It’s a road map for getting on the same page about your expectations as parents, about your needs as humans, and about how to maintain a strong and lasting relationship in the face of, well, a baby bomb. |
| we do stan tatkin: More Than Words John Howard, 2023-02-07 Increase intimacy, connection, and love with this “critical” (Vanessa Van Edwards, bestselling author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People), science-based guide to creating meaningful and lasting relationships. When it comes to building a better relationship with your partner, touch and connection matter so much more than the words that you say. And author and therapist John Howard is here to tell us why. More Than Words shows you how to deepen love and connection in any relationship based on the latest cutting-edge research in interpersonal neurobiology, trauma-informed healing, attachment theory, and many more scientific fields. This “brilliant guide” (Diane Poole-Heller, PhD, author of The Power of Attachment) explains why verbal communication may not elicit the connection you seek and offers ways to practice and form new habits that can nurture love, care, safety, comfort, and passion in relationships. Science shows that these techniques work, but most people don’t know them yet. You can start using these techniques today to increase intimacy and emotional connection in your closest relationships. Mindful of all the needs of the modern individual, More Than Words is inclusive of LGBTQ+, polyamorous, and other nontraditional committed relationships and ultimately looks to elevate the way we strengthen the most important bonds in our lives. |
| we do stan tatkin: Loving Someone in Recovery Beverly Berg, 2014-02-02 Recovering addicts are faced with many challenges, and these challenges can often extend to their romantic partners. During the recovery period, couples often struggle with overcoming feelings of betrayal and frustration, and may have a hard time rebuilding trust and closeness. While there are many resources available to recovering addicts, there are limited resources for the people who love them. In Loving Someone in Recovery, therapist Beverly Berg offers powerful tools for the partners of recovering addicts. Based in mindfulness, attachment theory, and neurobiology, this book will help readers sustain emotional stability in their relationships, increase effective communication, establish boundaries, and take real steps toward reigniting intimacy. The material in this book is drawn from the author’s successful Conscious Couples Recovery Workshop. With more than 25 years in the field, she has developed a unique set of exercises that address the issues faced by couples in recovery. This book addresses the roles that both partners play in recovery, and aims to help readers develop a new appreciation for one another and improve self-confidence and acceptance. The road to recovery is never an easy one, but by building a strong support system, the chances of success are exponentially greater. For more information on Berg’s work, visit consciouscouplesrecovery.com |
| we do stan tatkin: The 80/80 Marriage Nate Klemp PhD, Kaley Klemp, 2021-02-09 NAMED ONE OF COSMOPOLITAN'S 15 BEST MARRIAGE BOOKS ALL COUPLES SHOULD READ. An accessible, transformative guide for couples seeking greater love, connection, and intimacy in our modern world Nate and Kaley Klemp were both successful in their careers, consulting for high-powered companies around the world. Their work as mindfulness and leadership experts, however, often fell to the wayside when they came home in the evening, only to end up fighting about fairness in their marriage. They believed in a model where each partner contributed equally and fairness ruled, but, in reality, they were finding that balance near impossible to achieve. From this frustration, they developed the idea of the 80/80 marriage, a new model for balancing career, family, and love. The 80/80 Marriage pushes couples beyond the limited idea of fairness toward a new model grounded on radical generosity and shared success, one that calls for each partner to contribute 80 percent to build the strongest possible relationship. Drawing from more than one hundred interviews with couples from all walks of life, stories from business and pop culture, scientific studies, and ancient philosophical insights, husband-and-wife team Nate and Kaley Klemp pinpoint exactly what's not working in modern marriage. Their 80/80 model of marriage provides practical, powerful solutions to transform your relationship and open up space for greater love and connection. |
| we do stan tatkin: Receiving Love Harville Hendrix, Helen LaKelly Hunt, 2004-10-05 From the New York Times bestselling author of Getting the Love You Want and Keeping the Love You Find comes illuminating and inspiring advice on one of the most complicated issues facing couples today: receiving love. Many people know how to give love, but many more undermine their relationships by never having learned how to accept it. We don't always realize the ways in which we reject appreciation, affection, help, and guidance from our romantic partners. According to Hendrix and Hunt, until we are able to understand the meaning behind our behavior, our relationships stand to suffer. Receiving Love prompts questions such as: -Are you reluctant to tell your partner what you really want or need? -When you do get what you've asked for, do you still feel dissatisfied? -Is it difficult for you to accept kind gestures, gifts, or compliments from your partner? With Receiving Love, you can learn how to break the shackles of self-rejection and embrace real intimacy. Drawing on their renowned expertise, the wide clinical experience of Imago therapists, and their own personal experience as a married couple, the authors offer detailed, sensitive advice on how to turn a relationship between two well-meaning yet misunderstood individuals into a true, everlasting partnership. |
| we do stan tatkin: Why We Love Anna Machin, 2022-02-01 An Oxford evolutionary anthropoloigst explores the ever-elusive science of love. |
| we do stan tatkin: Getting to Zero Jayson Gaddis, 2022-10-18 The relationship teacher, coach, and founder of The Relationship School reveals the origins of conflict styles, how to stop avoiding difficult conversations, and how to resolve conflict in our most important relationships. Conflicts in our closest relationships are scary because so much is at stake. If the conflict doesn't go well, we could lose our marriage, our family or our job, all connected to our security and survival. So we do just about anything not to lose those relationships, including avoid conflict, betraying ourselves or becoming dishonest. Unresolved conflict affects every single aspect of our lives, from self-confidence to physical and mental health. Jayson Gaddis is a personal trainer for relationships and one of the world's leading authorities on interpersonal conflict. For almost two decades, Gaddis has helped individuals, couples, and teams get to the bottom of their deepest conflicts. He helps people see the wisdom in conflict and how to get to zero--which means we have successfully worked through our conflict and have nothing in the way of a good connection. In Getting to Zero, Gaddis shows the reader how to stop running away from uncomfortable conversations and instead learn how to work through them. Through funny personal stories, uncomfortable examples, and effective tools and skills, he shows the reader how to move from disconnection to connection, acceptance, and understanding. This method upgrades the old tired and static conflict resolution approaches and offers a fresh, street-level, user-friendly road map on exactly how to work through conflict with the people you care most about. |
| we do stan tatkin: Doing Imago Relationship Therapy in the Space-Between: A Clinician's Guide Harville Hendrix, Helen LaKelly Hunt, 2021-04-20 The first-ever book on Imago Relationship Therapy from its creators geared toward therapists. Developed by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt in the 1980s, Imago Relationship Therapy helps couples—and everyone in significant relationships—shift from conflict to connection by transforming the quality of their interactions. Now, for the first time, the essential principles and practices of Imago, as illustrated in the New York Times bestseller Getting the Love You Want, are presented for the benefit of both novice and seasoned clinicians. Using the Imago processes, couples create a Conscious Partnership in which they feel safe, fully alive, and joyful, learning to be mutually empathic for each other’s childhood challenges and present to each other without judgement. Hendrix and Hunt help couples learn and practice Imago Dialogue, moving from blame and reactivity to mutual acceptance, affirmation, and empathy, thus deepening their connection. Joining theory and practice with elegance, and filled with examples, exercises, and dialogues, this is a book no couples therapist can afford to be without. |
| we do stan tatkin: The Power of Attachment Diane Poole Heller, Ph.D., 2019-03-12 How traumatic events can break our vital connections—and how to restore love, wholeness, and resiliency in your life From our earliest years, we develop an attachment style that follows us through life, replaying in our daily emotional landscape, our relationships, and how we feel about ourselves. And in the wake of a traumatic event—such as a car accident, severe illness, loss of a loved one, or experience of abuse—that attachment style can deeply influence what happens next. In The Power of Attachment, Dr. Diane Poole Heller, a pioneer in attachment theory and trauma resolution, shows how overwhelming experiences can disrupt our most important connections— with the parts of ourselves within, with the physical world around us, and with others. The good news is that we can restore and reconnect at all levels, regardless of our past. Here, you’ll learn key insights and practices to help you: • Restore the broken connections caused by trauma • Get embodied and grounded in your body • Integrate the parts of yourself that feel wounded and fragmented • Emerge from grief, fear, and powerlessness to regain strength, joy, and resiliency • Reclaim access to your inner resources and spiritual nature “We are fundamentally designed to heal,” teaches Dr. Heller. “Even if our childhood is less than ideal, our secure attachment system is biologically programmed in us, and our job is to simply find out what’s interfering with it—and learn what we can do to make those secure tendencies more dominant.” With expertise drawn from Dr. Heller’s research, clinical work, and training programs, this book invites you to begin that journey back to wholeness. |
| we do stan tatkin: Avoidant Jeb Kinnison, 2014-10-02 Jeb Kinnison's previous book on finding a good partner by understanding attachment types (Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner) brought lots of readers to JebKinnison.com, where the most asked-about topic was how to deal with avoidant lovers and spouses. There are many readers in troubled marriages now who are looking for help, as well as people already invested in a relationship short of marriage who'd like help deciding if they should stick with it. People in relationships with Avoidants struggle with their lack of responsiveness and inability to tolerate real intimacy. Relationships between an Avoidant and a partner of another attachment type are the largest group of unhappy relationships, and people who love their partners and who may have started families and had children with an Avoidant will work very hard to try to make their relationships work better, out of love for their partner and children as well as their own happiness. The Avoidants in these relationships are more than likely unhappy with the situation as well-retreating into their shells and feeling harassed for being asked to respond with positive feeling when they have little to give. The other reason why so many people are looking for help on this topic is that it is an almost impossible problem. Couples counsellors rarely have the time or knowledge to work with an Avoidant and will often advise the spouse to give up on a Dismissive, especially, whose lack of responsiveness looks like cruelty or contempt (and sometimes it is ) Yet there is some hope-though it may take years and require educating the Avoidant on the patterns of good couples communication, if both partners want to change their patterns toward more secure and satisfying models, it can be done. How can you tell if your partner is avoidant? Does your partner: - Seem not to care how you feel? - Frequently fail to respond to direct questions or text messages? - Accuse you of being too needy or codependent? - Talk of some past lover as ideal and compare you to them? - Act coldly toward your children and the needy? - Remind you that he or she would be fine without you? - Withhold sex or affection as punishment? If that sounds familiar, then your partner is likely avoidant. At about 25% of the population, Avoidants have shorter, more troubled relationships, and tend to divorce more frequently and divorce again if remarried. What can be done? Individual therapy for the motivated Avoidant can move their default attachment style toward security, and to the extent that problems have been made worse by an overly clingy and demanding anxious-preoccupied partner, therapy can help there, as well. Partners who read and absorb the lessons of these books will have a head start on noticing and restraining themselves when they are slipping into an unsatisfying communications pattern, and an intellectual understanding of the bad patterns is a step toward unlearning them. Not all difficult Avoidants can be reformed; that depends on both partners, the depth of their problems, and their motivation and ability to change over time. But many troubled marriages and relationships can be greatly improved, and the people in them can learn to be happier, with even modest improvements in understanding how they can best communicate support for each other. For those reading who have not read Bad Boyfriends or are less familiar with attachment types, a beefed-up section on attachment theory and attachment types from Bad Boyfriends is included. Regular readers of JebKinnison.com will find edited versions of some relevant material previously posted there. |
| we do stan tatkin: Inner Bonding Margaret Paul, 2012-10-16 Inner bonding is the process of connecting our adult thoughts with our instinctual, gut feelings—the feelings of the inner child—so that we can minimize painful conflict within ourselves. Free of inner conflict, we feel peaceful, open to joy, and open to giving and receiving love. Margaret Paul, coauthor of Healing Your Aloneness, explores how abandonment of the inner child leads to increasingly negative and destructive feelings of low self-worth, codepenclence, addiction, shame, powerlessness, and withdrawal from relationships. Her breakthrough inner bonding process teaches us to heal past wounds through reparenting and clearly demonstrates how we can learn to parent in the present. Real-life examples illustrate the dynamics of the healing process and show the benefits we can expect in every facet of our lives and in all our relationships. Inner Bonding provides the tools we need to forge and maintain the inner unity that makes our family, sexual, work, and social relationships productive, honest, and joyful. |
| we do stan tatkin: Love Cycles, Fear Cycles David Woodsfellow, Deborah Woodsfellow, 2018 Director of the Woodsfellow Institute for Couples Therapy presents his concept of two cycles in intimate relationships. His model for improving relationships includes having partners describe their feelings and actions during both fear cycles and love cycles in just four words that will show what's gone wrong and how to make it right. Includes exercises and questionnaires-- |
| we do stan tatkin: Tell Me No Lies Peter T. Pearson, Ellyn Bader, Judith D. Schwartz, 2001-12-14 Lying-For Better or Worse Everybody lies. Friends lie to friends. Children lie to their parents. Politicians lie to constituents. And, inevitably, husbands and wives lie to each other. Lies between lovers have tremendous potential to both nurture and destroy a relationship. It is easy to underestimate the power that lies-even seemingly harmless lies-can wield in your marriage. Tell Me No Lies explores the complexity of honesty versus deception in marriage and reveals the many reasons behind the lies we tell our partners (and ourselves). Learn the four marital stages: * The Honeymoon * Emerging Differences * Freedom * Together as Two Discover how to recognize how lying can lead to serious trouble at each stage. The signs include: * The Dark Side of the Honeymoon, when couples refuse to acknowledge any problems * The Stalemate, when couples fight and brutalize each other with exaggerated truths * Freedom Unhinged, when independence outweighs togetherness and marital anarchy ensues. Offering a new way of thinking about truth and deception, this book will help you understand the dynamics of your marriage in the context of the marital stages. If you can identify your marital stage, you can overcome the barriers to honesty and move on to a happier and more fulfilling marriage! |
| we do stan tatkin: Making Marriage Simple Harville Hendrix, Helen Hunt, 2013 America's leading marriage experts distill the secrets to a happy marriage into 10 simple truths. They distill what they've learned from decades of research, their counseling with married couples, and their own 30-year relationship, into 10 essential and provocative truths about marriage. |
| we do stan tatkin: Calling in "The One" Katherine Woodward Thomas, 2007-12-18 Are you frustrated by stymied relationships, missed connections, and the loneliness of the search for someone to spend the rest of your life with? Are you ready, instead, to find “The One”? In Calling in “The One,” Katherine Woodward Thomas shares her own personal experience to show women that in order to find the relationship that will last a lifetime, you have to be truly open and ready to create a loving, committed, romantic union. Calling in “The One” shows you how. Based on the Law of Attraction, which is the concept that we can only attract what we’re ready to receive, the provocative yet simple seven-week program in Calling in “The One” prepares you to bring forth the love you seek. For each of the 49 days of Thomas’s thoughtful and life-affirming plan, there is a daily lesson, a corresponding practice, and instruction for putting that lesson into action in your life. Meditation, visualization, and journaling exercises will gently lead you to recognize the obstacles on your path to love and provide ways to steer around them. At the end of those 49 days, you will be in the ideal emotional state to go out into the world and find “The One.” An inspirational approach that offers a radical new philosophy on relationships, Calling in “The One” is your guide to finding the love you seek. |
| we do stan tatkin: Whole Again Jackson MacKenzie, 2019-01-08 From a leading voice on recovering from toxic relationships, a deeply insightful guide to getting back to your old self again--in order to truly heal and move on. Jackson MacKenzie has helped millions of people in their struggle to understand the experience of toxic relationships. His first book, Psychopath Free, explained how to identify and survive the immediate situation. In this highly anticipated new book, he guides readers on what to do next--how to fully heal from abuse in order to find love and acceptance for the self and others. Through his close work with--and deep connection to--thousands of survivors of abusive relationships Jackson discovered that most survivors have symptoms of trauma long after the relationship is over. These range from feelings of numbness and emptiness to depression, perfectionism, substance abuse, and many more. But he’s also found that it is possible to work through these symptoms and find love on the other side, and this book shows how. Through a practice of mindfulness, introspection, and exercises using specific tools, readers learn to identify the protective self they've developed - and uncover the core self, so that they can finally move on to live a full and authentic life--to once again feel light, free, and whole, and ready to love again. This book addresses and provides crucial guidance on topics and conditions like: complex PTSD, Narcissistic abuse, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Codependency, Core wounding, toxic shame, Borderline Personality Disorder, and so many more. Whole Again offers hope and multiple strategies to anyone who has survived a toxic relationship, as well as anyone suffering the effects of a breakup involving lying, cheating and other forms of abuse--to release old wounds and safely let the love back inside where it belongs. |
| we do stan tatkin: Woulda. Coulda. Shoulda. Jennifer Hurvitz, 2019-02-14 Imagine if there were a secret recipe to a successful and everlasting marriage, would you want it? Of course you would! And who better to stir it up than a woman who figured it all out just a bit too late ... after she signed her divorce papers. Jennifer Hurvitz, author of the best-selling book, One Happy Divorce: Hold the Bulls#!t, offers a no-B.S. look at what the divorce process really looks like for those contemplating a separation or divorce, or those already going through one. Take a deep breath and read as Jennifer shares her insight into what the greener grass honestly looks like. Jen hopes to change some minds ... and save a few marriages. |
| we do stan tatkin: NOT "Just Friends" Shirley Glass, 2007-11-01 One of the world’s leading experts on infidelity provides a step-by-step guide through the process of infidelity—from suspicion and revelation to healing, and provides profound, practical guidance to prevent infidelity and, if it happens, recover and heal from it. You’re right to be cautious when you hear these words: “I’m telling you, we’re just friends.” Good people in good marriages are having affairs. The workplace and the Internet have become fertile breeding grounds for “friendships” that can slowly and insidiously turn into love affairs. Yet you can protect your relationship from emotional or sexual betrayal by recognizing the red flags that mark the stages of slipping into an improper, dangerous intimacy that can threaten your marriage. |
| we do stan tatkin: Polysecure Jessica Fern, 2022-09 A practical translation of the principles of attachment theory to non-monogamous relationships. Attachment theory has entered the mainstream, but most discussions focus on how we can cultivate secure monogamous relationships. What if, like many people, you're striving for secure, happy attachments with more than one partner? Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern breaks new ground by extending attachment theory into the realm of consensual non-monogamy. Using her nested model of attachment and trauma, she expands our understanding of how emotional experiences can influence our relationships. Then, she sets out six specific strategies to help you move toward secure attachments in your multiple relationships. Polysecureis both a trailblazing theoretical treatise and a practical guide. It provides non-monogamous people with a new set of tools to navigate the complexities of multiple loving relationships, and offers radical new concepts that are sure to influence the conversation about attachment theory. |
| we do stan tatkin: We Do Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, 2018-12-01 “If you and your prospective partner adopt the principles and skills I describe here, your relationship will be successful—not just for starters, but for the long run.” An indispensable guide for any couple ready to set the foundation for a loving and lasting union Committing fully to a loving partnership—a “we”—can be one of the most beautiful and fulfilling experiences you’ll ever have. Yet as anyone in a long-term relationship will tell you, it can also be one of the most challenging. Almost half of all first marriages end in divorce, and chances go down from there. So how do you beat the odds? “All successful long-term relationships are secure relationships,” writes psychotherapist Stan Tatkin. “You and your partner take care of each other in a way that ensures you both feel safe, protected, accepted, and secure at all times.” In We Do, Tatkin provides a groundbreaking guide for couples. You’ll figure out whether you and your partner are right for each other in the long term, and if so, give your relationship a strong foundation so you can enjoy a secure and lasting love. Highlights include: Create a shared vision for your relationship, the key to a strong foundationIt’s all about prevention—learn tools and techniques for preventing problems before they occurUnderstand how to work with the psychological and biological influences in your relationship—neuroscience, arousal regulation, attachment theory, and moreNumerous case studies with helpful examples of healthy and unhealthy interactions, sample dialogues, and reflectionsDozens of exercises—the newlywed game, reading facial expressions, and many more fun and serious practices to develop intimacy and securityHandling conflict—how to broker win-win outcomesBuild a loving relationship that helps you thrive and grow as both individuals and a couple Common interests, physical attraction, shared values, and good communication skills are the factors most commonly thought to indicate a good partnership. Yet surprisingly, current research reveals that these are only a small part of what makes for a healthy marriage—much more important are psychological and biological influences. With We Do, you’ll learn to navigate these elements and more, giving your relationship the best possible chance to succeed. |
| we do stan tatkin: The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples John M. Gottman, 2011-05-09 An eminent therapist explains what makes couples compatible and how to sustain a happy marriage. For the past thirty-five years, John Gottman’s research has been internationally recognized for its unprecedented ability to precisely measure interactive processes in couples and to predict the long-term success or failure of relationships. In this groundbreaking book, he presents a new approach to understanding and changing couples: a fundamental social skill called “emotional attunement,” which describes a couple’s ability to fully process and move on from negative emotional events, ultimately creating a stronger relationship. Gottman draws from this longitudinal research and theory to show how emotional attunement can downregulate negative affect, help couples focus on positive traits and memories, and even help prevent domestic violence. He offers a detailed intervention devised to cultivate attunement, thereby helping couples connect, respect, and show affection. Emotional attunement is extended to tackle the subjects of flooding, the story we tell ourselves about our relationship, conflict, personality, changing relationships, and gender. Gottman also explains how to create emotional attunement when it is missing, to lay a foundation that will carry the relationship through difficult times. Gottman encourages couples to cultivate attunement through awareness, tolerance, understanding, non-defensive listening, and empathy. These qualities, he argues, inspire confidence in couples, and the sense that despite the inevitable struggles, the relationship is enduring and resilient. This book, an essential follow-up to his 1999 The Marriage Clinic, offers therapists, students, and researchers detailed intervention for working with couples, and offers couples a roadmap to a stronger future together. |
| we do stan tatkin: Five-Minute Relationship Repair Susan Campbell, PhD, John Grey, PhD, 2015-01-25 The Tool Kit No Relationship Should Be Without Long-term happiness in love depends on a couple’s ability to repair the inevitable rifts and differences, large and small, that occur in any relationship. Neuroscience suggests that relationship upsets are best mended quickly, or they accumulate in long-term memory, increase reactive communication, and become harder to repair successfully. And good repair takes five minutes or less! This book offers practical tools and suggested scripts for resolving problems and having your needs met. Following its guidance, you can turn difficulties into opportunities to foster love, trust, and thriving intimacy. “Shows us how to approach differences with openhearted listening and vulnerable truth telling...If you read and work with the practices offered here, you have everything you need to create a secure, lasting bond with your partner.” — Jack Canfield, author of The Success Principles™ “Using the case of a typical couple in trouble as their starting point, John Grey and Susan Campbell walk you through a sequential set of techniques based on neuroscience and attachment theory....Their work here is inventive, inspiring, and well worth the read.” — Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, author of Wired for Love |
| we do stan tatkin: I Can't Believe I'm Buying This Book Evan Marc Katz, 2003-11-18 Provides practical advice for online dating, covering such topics as choosing the right Web site, writing effective profiles, writing an introductory letter, and meeting for a date. |
| we do stan tatkin: Why We Love Helen Fisher, 2005-01-02 A groundbreaking exploration of our most complex and mysterious emotion Elation, mood swings, sleeplessness, and obsession—these are the tell-tale signs of someone in the throes of romantic passion. In this revealing new book, renowned anthropologist Helen Fisher explains why this experience—which cuts across time, geography, and gender—is a force as powerful as the need for food or sleep. Why We Love begins by presenting the results of a scientific study in which Fisher scanned the brains of people who had just fallen madly in love. She proves, at last, what researchers had only suspected: when you fall in love, primordial areas of the brain light up with increased blood flow, creating romantic passion. Fisher uses this new research to show exactly what you experience when you fall in love, why you choose one person rather than another, and how romantic love affects your sex drive and your feelings of attachment to a partner. She argues that all animals feel romantic attraction, that love at first sight comes out of nature, and that human romance evolved for crucial reasons of survival. Lastly, she offers concrete suggestions on how to control this ancient passion, and she optimistically explores the future of romantic love in our chaotic modern world. Provocative, enlightening, and persuasive, Why We Love offers radical new answers to the age-old question of what love is and thus provides invaluable new insights into keeping love alive. |
| we do stan tatkin: Summary of Stan Tatkin's We do Everest Media,, 2022-04-23T22:59:00Z Please note: This is a companion version & not the original book. Sample Book Insights: #1 A secure-functioning relationship is one that is reliable, dependable, and trustworthy. It is reciprocal and respectful. It is based on the principles of fairness, justice, and sensitivity. It is how two people work together to get what they want and avoid what they don’t want. #2 The main purpose of pair-bonding is to feel safe and secure in the world. We have a mutual need to survive in an unpredictable world. If partners don’t understand that their principal function is to keep each other safe from each other and from the outside world, they will trivialize the meaning of their partnership. #3 There are two types of threats to your relationship: big T and small t. If you experience any big T threat in your current relationship, get out now. If you have been a victim of physical or sexual abuse or life threat, your partner must be informed and must be an appropriate healing partner for you. #4 Coregulation is the process of co-managing emotional states, and it is essential to relationship safety, security, and longevity. It is difficult to predict which couples will be good at it, but many struggle. |
| we do stan tatkin: Chicken Soup for the Couple's Soul Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, 2012-08-07 Whether single, separated or someone's spouse, everyone wants to find and keep this elusive thing called love. Bestselling author and foremost relationship expert Barbara De Angelis teams up as a co-author of Chicken Soup for the Couple's Soul, a collection of heartwarming stories about how real people discovered true love with the person of their dreams. |
| we do stan tatkin: Healing Developmental Trauma Laurence Heller, Ph.D., Aline LaPierre, Psy.D., 2012-09-25 This “well-organized, valuable” guide draws from somatic-based psychotherapy and neuroscience to offer “clear guidance” for coping with childhood trauma (Peter Levine, author of Waking the Tiger and In an Unspoken Voice). Although it may seem that people suffer from an endless number of emotional problems and challenges, Laurence Heller and Aline LaPierre maintain that most of these can be traced to five biologically based organizing principles: the need for connection, attunement, trust, autonomy, and love-sexuality. They describe how early trauma impairs the capacity for connection to self and others and how the ensuing diminished aliveness is the hidden dimension that underlies most psychological and many physiological problems. Heller and LaPierre introduce the NeuroAffective Relational Model® (NARM), a method that integrates bottom-up and top-down approaches to regulate the nervous system and resolve distortions of identity such as low self-esteem, shame, and chronic self-judgment that are the outcome of developmental and relational trauma. While not ignoring a person’s past, NARM emphasizes working in the present moment to focus on clients’ strengths, resources, and resiliency in order to integrate the experience of connection that sustains our physiology, psychology, and capacity for relationship. |
| we do stan tatkin: The Relationship Cure John Gottman, PhD, Joan DeClaire, 2002-06-25 From the country’s foremost relationship expert and New York Times bestselling author Dr. John M. Gottman comes a powerful, simple five-step program, based on twenty years of innovative research, for greatly improving all of the relationships in your life—with spouses and lovers, children, siblings, and even your colleagues at work. Gottman provides the tools you need to make your relationships thrive. In The Relationship Cure, Dr. Gottman: - Reveals the key elements of healthy relationships, emphasizing the importance of what he calls “emotional connection” - Introduces the powerful new concept of the emotional “bid,” the fundamental unit of emotional connection - Provides remarkably empowering tools for improving the way you bid for emotional connection and how you respond to others’ bids - And more! Packed with fascinating questionnaires and exercises developed in his therapy, The Relationship Cure offers a simple but profound program that will fundamentally transform the quality of all of the relationships in your life. |
| we do stan tatkin: Remarriage is Adultery Unless... David Pawson, 2013-02-01 Consecutive polygamy (as many husbands or wives as you like but only one at a time) is now an accepted norm in contemporary society. Hardly surprising, since the social, legal, moral and financial restraints holding marriages together for a lifetime have been steadily eroded in a relativist age where anything goes. What is surprising is that divorce and remarriage are becoming as common inside the church as outside, even among Christian leaders and especially in the Evangelical stream. Believers have been outspoken about such issues as abortion and homosexuality though their Lord Jesus said nothing about either. He did say quite a lot about the subject of this book but there is either a reluctance to take his teaching at face value or an eagerness to enlarge his ‘exception’ until it becomes the rule. This volume primarily appeals to those for whom the Bible is the final authority in all matters of belief and behaviour, especially those who preach to, teach and counsel others. The author believes that the church should be leading the world uphill rather than following the world downhill. David Pawson has a worldwide teaching ministry, particularly for church leaders. He is known to many through Christian broadcasting and is the author of numerous books. |
| we do stan tatkin: Silent Agreements Linda D. Anderson, PhD, Sonia R. Banks, PhD, Michele L. Owens, PhD, 2019-05-07 Silent Agreements will help readers define the unspoken beliefs and expectations that might be causing dissatisfaction, unhappiness, and resentment in their relationships, giving them the tools to explore these agreements and work toward healthier communication with a partner, friend, boss, or family member. If you have relationships, you've likely been part of silent agreements. Silent agreements are the implicit rules of your relationships that arise from unspoken beliefs and expectations that both parties hold, stemming from your earliest experiences and reinforced as you mature. They can sound something like The person who makes more money should pay for the dates, or My boss doesn't offer me a raise, and he knows I won't ask for one. These agreements can hinder your relationships, remaining undiscussed due to fear, aversion to conflict, feelings of obligation, or guilt. Because expectations so rarely line up and neither person will address the issue, a silent agreement can cause unhappiness and resentment on both sides. Clinical psychologists Drs. Anderson, Banks, and Owens will help you explore your agreements and work towards healthier communication with a partner, friend, boss, or family member. In the process, you'll learn more about your own motivations and how to dismantle the the beliefs that don't serve you. With guidelines and advice on how to have productive conversations about sex, money, commitment, family, the workplace, and health, this book will help you lift the silence and resolve those land-mine issues before they do irreparable damage. |
| we do stan tatkin: Flowing Bridges, Quiet Waters David K. Reynolds, 1989-07-03 This book is the first to discuss experiences of the Morita and Naikan ways of life in the Western World. Although Morita and Naikan are therapies—perspectives on neurotic habits and their correction—the vision is educational rather than medical. The approach offers a way of acknowledging feelings while engaging in constructive living. With roots in Zen, the principles of this constructive living were formulated over 80 years ago by Shoma Morita, a Japanese psychiatrist. Like Zen, these principles are thoroughly grounded in the reality of the here and now. Morita's methods are aimed at the person who suffers from anxiety, shyness, phobias, and obsessions that often manifest in physical symptoms such as headaches, insomnia, stomach disorders, and heart palpitations. However the techniques are available and beneficial to people at widely different stages of self-development, not just to those whose lives are plagued by neurotic suffering. Reynolds offers a look at the adaptations necessary to transform and transport these Japanese methods into techniques useful to Westerners. Cultural-psychological insights are presented by the author who is both an anthropologist and clinician. Flowing Bridges offers a unique case study of directed change of a psychotherapeutic system. What is Eastern, what is Western, and what is commonly human becomes more clear from this example of importation of Japanese ideas into the West. For psychotherapists, there are extensive accounts of hands-on treatment methods. For those interested in adding these very effective techniques, the first-person accounts of a variety of contributors will be helpful. |
| we do stan tatkin: Attachment Theory in Action Karen Doyle Buckwalter, Debbie Reed, 2018 In this volume, distinguished therapists and clinicians offer a broad range of effective attachment-based interventions for children with a history of attachment difficulties and complex trauma. Stepping through attachment theory and the latest research in neuroscience, the contributors illustrate how the treatment of developmental trauma often requires implementing more than one clinical model. Including chapters on the practical application of dyadic developmental psychotherapy,mindfulness, theraplay, and EMDR, Attachment Theory in Action offers mental health professionals insights into helping even the most challenging patients. |
| we do stan tatkin: How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk John Van Epp, 2008-03-19 AVOID THE JERKS AND FIND “THE ONE” WHO'S RIGHT FOR YOU An insightful and creative contribution to managing the complexity of choosing a life partner. I heartily recommend it. --Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want and Keeping the Love You Find Don't be part of the 'where-was-this-book-when-I-needed-it?' crowd. It's not too late--read it now! --Pat Love, Ed.D., author of The Truth About Love and Hot Monogamy Based on years of research on marital and premarital happiness, How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk (previously published in hardcover as How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk) will help you break destructive dating patterns that have kept you from finding the love you deserve: Ask the right questions to inspire meaningful, revealing conversations with your partner Judge character based on compatibility, relationships skills, friends, and patterns from family and previous relationships Resolve your own emotional baggage so you're ready for a healthy relationship |
| we do stan tatkin: When Partners Become Parents Carolyn Pape Cowan, Philip A. Cowan, 1992 Based on a landmark, internationally-known ten year study of men and women having a first child, this book describes how couples can make small changes to avoid the toll that this happy transition can take on marriage. |
| we do stan tatkin: Making Sense of Menopause Susan Willson, CNM, 2022-02-15 A women’s health expert shares an empowering and informative guide to menopause as a gateway to a rich and vital elderhood. It’s time to change the way we think about menopause. Both medicine and popular culture fixate on menopause as a decline of women’s bodies and minds—without recognizing the powerful gifts that come to us in our elder years. “Nature did not create us to unravel and diminish in the prime of our lives,” says Susan Willson. With Making Sense of Menopause, this renowned women’s health practitioner offers a powerful guide to experiencing perimenopause and menopause as a natural gateway into the next vital, exciting, and meaningful phase of our lives. In this inspiring and highly practical guide, Willson dismantles the cultural falsehoods we’ve been taught about menopause and illuminates: • Menopause as metamorphosis—how the changes in our bodies literally transform us into new women with essential roles to play in our culture • How the biological arc of a woman’s life unfolds toward menopause—and how our earliest experiences inform the menopause we will have • Practical guidance for self-care—including sleep, nutrition, stress management, exercise, and social connections • Sexuality and relationships—deepening our emotional bonds and expanding our capacity to give and receive pleasure • Becoming the Wise Woman—stepping into the essential role of an elder in our youth-obsessed world Susan Willson has found that when women are presented with a positive, empowering perspective on menopause, something extraordinary occurs: “We find that we want to do the developmental work of midlife. We want to harness the power we feel rising up as we are finally able to stand for ourselves. We want to give our gifts.” With Making Sense of Menopause, this compelling author offers a much-needed guide for women making the physical, emotional, and spiritual transition to their wisdom years. |
| we do stan tatkin: I Want This to Work Elizabeth Earnshaw, 2021-11-30 “Elizabeth Earnshaw’s gentle guidance will help any type of couple, whether they are dealing with small day-to-day problems or long-standing conflicts. She takes an accessible approach to couples therapy on the page, making these relationship tools feel easy—and even fun.” —Lori Gottlieb, LMFT, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone A contemporary, culturally inclusive, and easy-to-digest relationship book for the modern age Today’s generation is changing the rules about committed relationships—and looking to create more meaning within their lives. We are more selective before getting married, with more diverse families and family structures, and we’ve seen a whopping 18 percent drop in divorce rates. In this new environment, what couples need more than ever are effective, flexible tools to communicate, navigate hard times, and create deeper connections with their partners. Elizabeth Earnshaw is here to help. The renowned Gottman therapist, founder of A Better Life Therapy, and influential Instagram therapist behind @lizlistens has helped to transform countless relationships. With I Want This to Work, she presents for today’s generation the most effective and proven steps for relationship success. “We’re in a cultural moment,” she says, “where people are hungry to absorb the principles for healthy relationships. This book answers that call.” Here, couples will learn how to work with the three challenges they must tackle to repair and strengthen their relationships: conflict, healing, and connection. They’ll learn fundamental principles including: · Why it’s not working · Creating space that makes it safe to connect · How to navigate hot conversations · The five-part relationship system · Busting the romantic notion that our better half “completes” us · Growing up and growing out—how both your early years and the social connections you make as an adult influence your relational beliefs, feelings, and patterns In a supportive and relatable voice, Elizabeth simplifies complex concepts and provides core insights, exercises, and reflections to take these tested principles from the page and into real life. Culturally tuned in, LGBTQIA+ friendly, and written for both married and unmarried couples, this book brings us an accessible guide to relationship healing and creating enduring intimacy. |
| we do stan tatkin: Constructing the Sexual Crucible David M Schnarch, 1991-03-05 This book challenges the fundamental paradigms in sexual-marital therapies, and provides a fresh look at the nature of intimacy and the diverse barriers to eroticism in many marriages. By integrating individual, sexual and marital therapies, this study attempts to provide a fresh look at the nature of intimacy and the diverse barriers to eroticism in marriage. The author refutes the common focus on sexual technique, calling instead for an emphasis on sexual potential. |
| we do stan tatkin: After the Honeymoon Daniel B. Wile, 2008 After the honeymoon. The very words carry a burden of sadness, as if for a short while we lived in a golden trance of love, and now we've been jolted awake. Immediately comes the thought, Oh no! Is this the person I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with? When choosing a partner, we are choosing, along with that person, a particular set of problems that we will be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or even fifty years. Dan Wile shows how to take advantage of the inevitable problems that occur in a relationship to deepen the sense of connection. Most of these problems result from feelings we are unable to express and conversations we are unable to have. We become angry because we are unable to confide feeling hurt. We become defensive because we are unable to confide feeling threatened. We become uncompromising because of the hidden compromises we are already making. Exposing these undercurrents can turn fights into intimate conversations. |
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